areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
