there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
