the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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