We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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