I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
