I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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