shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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