I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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