I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
