Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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