dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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