In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
