She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
