Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
