im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
