My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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