I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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