Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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