Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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