So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
