seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude i'm inner monologue high
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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