apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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