did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
