someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
