i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
