I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
