if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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