come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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