I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
