I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
