I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
