he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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