i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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