Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
