I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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