how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
