You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
