This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you told grandpa to call you daddy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
