either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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