I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
