but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
