: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
