She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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