I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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