I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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