you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
