I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
