Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
