FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
