i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
